Wont Give up

I have family and I have friends. And yet all that is love shows no face for me and mocks my path in life. Why is it that I do not give up believing that through all the evil in this world good will prevail. And I will pay the darkness with my self so that love will have no one to mock.

Repay

I see no reason to stay, I see no reason to be, and I have no desire to be. Will no one honor my wish, a wish to allow me to repay the world to repay that which I was given at birth, life.

Forever

Dorkis, you came back into my life and I have failed. I broke down and became what I was before and I see it now knowing my errors in life, yet you have seen me and all that is in me and you turn away. I would spend my life with you, but would eternity allow me to spend forever in your arms?

The Way

The day is long and the night is longer, I am cold, I am alone and I am death, this is truly the way of immortality.

Dusk

The sun is bright, the wind is cool and I sit. I sit waiting for the dusk of light and for the world to carry me away.

Heat

Summer anew and I do not wish to endure the heat alone. I simply ask the world to show me a love to hold in the cold.

Flight

Sweet night, such a beautiful night the stars glow like fire light. The moon shines its ever radiant white and in the darkness a sweet smell of night, how the breeze takes me on an endless flights,yet I always return to the warmth of your beautiful sight.

New Day

I will live, learn, breath and be. Covered in a shroud of black and coldness. I await the world, in a birth of new and light for everlasting peace and I will see the light of the new day and truly be happy...

Sleep

Sleep and forget the moonless sky.

Believe

I'm me and I am alone. I believe in humanity and there is nothing else that I need do more . Life is all that matters in the face of all that is dark and night. I face it without fear or apprehension so that all can be free and blind and in return I ask for the guiding light.

Far Away

Death is all that I wish for. Oh how life is bitter and death is sweet. Why is life so hell and an end so far away. End what this does to me.

The Path

All people traverse the countless paths in this world, I am the one who sees the singular golden path and I must take it. It is always in my mind but one must keep it in the heart to truly be immortal in this life and all the rest. I have chosen a path in this world which only one man has taken fully and to his death.

Phantom

I will be death and I will be an immortal soul to travel the world knowing no life, no joy, no sorrow or pain. I will have my freedom from all that is, all that was, and all that will be. I am death, that which has no love or end.

Advice for my Unborn Child

No matter what you do you will always be wrong.
You will die alone.
Trust in only yourself.
Regret kills the soul.
Never hesitate.
Do good.
Be good.

End

Sit and watch life,watch people that will forever live in blind knowledge. Why should I see and know that nothing is forever and every thing must end, an end to love, an end to happiness, and an end to life, farewell to all.

Alone

Dorkis, why did you have to break my heart. The one girl that I truly cared about the one person I loved in all my lives and yet love wasn't what you saw for me. How does some one come along and change my world. In a place that was all the same and baron you came along, the only thing with color and life. How is it that I can still be ready to sacrifice my life for you, give my soul and the only thing is me and I will be alone forever.

Premonition

The cold arrives and I am strong to meet it. My skin feels the sting of cold and I truly stand alone in this endless world prepared for an ill fated future that will arrive as a great storm.

Lost Love

Oh love my love, your smile starts the sun of the beautiful day.
Oh love my love your eyes show that good will always win in this world.
Oh love my love your hair smells of an everlasting spring.
Oh love my love how I will never forget you so.

Notes to Humanity

He who enter stagnation is no more important then the dirt which they came from.
Chang is great, great change is that which creates a future.
To create equality one condemns its people to death.
To follow blind is a false hope.
To show the path one must create it.
One attempts to see the future. Yet one must create it in order to traverse it.
Learn and use the past, but do not let the past create the path for your future.

Monsters

Gods and monsters, I want to be that which no one sees. Is it such a great thing to want that all is seen and heard yet the presence is never felt but for the warmth of god.

All Things Fall Apart

All things fall apart and I have stopped caring. In this world filled with limitless alls and limitless people I have looked at the past and seen the future that will be of endless things. Why should emotion take hold of all that does not care. I have stopped caring, living and dieing.

Crazy

Crazy is a state of mind. Just be careful because the ones who are crazy are a lot more dangerous then the ones who look crazy. If it is a state of mind what defines normality, is it the single person or the masses and what if the only normal person is thought to be crazy.

Cry of Horses

The world is dim and i have won. The blood of soldiers have been spilled and the swords of warriors broken. The cry of the horses has been silenced. The wild wheat grows again in fields feed with blood. And the deeds of men unsung grow ever dimmer. I have seen this world every night as I lay to sleep and wake to fight it as the days new dawn. And see no end in my victory as dark as the night.

Stand

My gods, my angels the world turns as the endless days burn ever long and the sleepless nights grow until all is dark and I am alone. I will never bring the end times because all is in me and I have no where else to turn. Alone in the burning days and alone in the darkest nights. I have gathered all of my souls and will hold them from the darkness. In all the endless times I have only lost one soul to the deep dark, my own. A price which I paid, and would freely do every time for the souls of my ancestors. I have lost all that is me and the only things which remain of me are an echo of my past. Give me neither life nor food, simply allow me to remember my endless task and stand for all eternity protecting that which apexes in me and will live forever.

Endless Days

Bright day in this everlasting spring with the clouds moving in an endless mist as boulders in an endless stream are worn to the sand from which they come from. Will the breeze of a sightless sea keep me cool and content for endless days.

Never Regret

My anger drives me from thought to thought and in all my rage I have lost my way in the world. has it been so long since I believed in my self. Must I pass the edge in order to return or must I never regret and push on hoping that I will one day meet peace.

Join

How is it that I will sleep at ease and without a second thought at having lost someone which I held closest to my heart. I have seen my anger and made my peace. And so comes the time to rejoin the golden path. Only when you have lost that closeness does fear truly not exist and life begins.

Harbinger

I will bring the end of days and all that was, is, will be, shall be forsaken for all eternity. The great darkness will swallow the universe and all will be reborn new and unto them will be set eternal sunshine of innocence... Swallow my soul and my fear.

Sights in Sleep

Night and sleep is that which interests me the most. In the night the beauty of all things can be seen in the moon full sky by the ever seeing third eye, and as always sleep is that which brings sights and worlds that are of my making of sight bringing endless bliss.

Golden Path

Is my life a one way nexus. All that is me only travels out to others never returning to which it came from. Will my essence travel and finally leave but the shell of what I am and a ghost of what I should have become? The golden path would have done the same only it would have been willing. It is still a choice yet it frightens me ever more.

Pain and Love

Pain is what I see and in the end it takes nothing, it only leaves behind. And there is only one other thing in the universe that has destroyed more because we wish it to. Love.

Spring

Blue night beautiful night. And the stars glow like white embers in a fire filled night. The cool wind of spring un-arrived and winter asleep as the stars guide my way through the sleepless night.

Regret of a Soul

Dear God, oh God what have I done what have I been. End this oh how it hurts and how it burns. What I see what I feel how can it be in me and all that I touch. The end the end. What has been is not what it should be. Take, take and it will always be the same. Let me see and feel as I should and burn what is in me.

Go Blind

I have seen the light of a sunless sky and in it was the face of God and the light of God. Should I see the rising of a sun I would wish to go blind, blind from the limits of what I see and the end of what is right, true, and good...

Walk

Walk through fire, water, and earth and you will be no better of a man then one who simply walks through life. It is not the difficulty of walking but the distance one travels. It is simply what that person sees and changes for the better that is their merit in this life.

End of I

If I saw the future I would not hesitate to end my life because all that I know leads to a life of ruin. Seeing it would simply confirm the inevitable, which is in all reality the end of I.

Anti-greed

Give me nothing, greed is not in me. I will give my blood,my heart, and my soul to those that ask for it. Give me nothing and I will accept every thing that is in my path and my future.

The Shell

In the cold and the dark all that's left of me is an empty shell that has no love, hate or peace. I am only because of the night and the following darkness. I ask for nothing more other then the night to take me swiftly and quietly.

The Plan

A man, a man with out a plan, a plan is to fail. Animals do not plan and i have not planned. I have not planned because i do not love. I do not love because love is apart of two, but i have not had another part because parts equal a whole. If i am one i don't have parts. Parts make love and i am one. Man can not plan love and animals do not love. If you plan to love you plan to fail. I am a man with out a plan.

French in Space

Why is it that the French are never in space? You see the Americans building space stations out there. The Russians were right on the heals of the US. China even made it up their. Hell even in the movies every ones going up. 007 was shooting people in Moonraker with laser guns in space. The Polish even made it up their with Stanislaw Lem and his were just books. So what every thing the French say sounds like milk chocolate even when its bad news. I can see the French in outer space with there berets and little Eiffel tower statues glued to their consuls. What about Jules Vern? Wasn't he French? What about the man in the moon?

Night Lights

I once reached into my mind to look at two people. One contained rage unparalleled to others, yet this strength was helled down and transformed into laughter that everyone wanted part of ans was given. Looking at him a person fell in love like a crystal white bulb that a person never strained to look at with naked eyes. If you saw him out of the corner of your eye you could see the light. The other person was different. The stains on his karma were present yet constantly being shifted to be hidden. Gears working in his mind but ones of broken teeth and disfigured paths. A light shined that was something blotched. and yet i stand by both.

Find A Whore

Have you ever looked for a whore? Not the kind that will take two twenties, but the kind wrapped in the body of another and constrained by the mind of yet another. Just this once I'll tell you how. Go straight from the park at the foot of a mountain make a left, where Jack, Carl, and the Colonel are at the three corners. Make a left and go until you see the ocean, ya the big one. Make left and go to the last stop light and make a right. When you see the street, I cant remember if it was the Nina, Pinta, or the St. Maria but all the same make a left and near the end of that street is her. Your eyes will see one thing, your mind another, and your heart another. Pick one of the three to use and you will know what kind of person you are. Because in the end thats how I found a whore and nothing more.

The Collector

How is it that in a world where lies, hate, deceit, love, tranquility, and friendship I have been chose. Not to take action or stir the seas but only listen. I have been given the task of listening to people and their inner voices. words, ideas, thoughts that can change lives, ruin families, alienate others, and yet sights and emotions that can bring people closer. If ignorance is bliss i wish to bleed from my ears. How can I be the listener to the worlds problems and yet unable to understand mine, let alone speak of them out loud. I assure you my actions and intentions are meaningless at the moment of conception. It is only after, that these ideas and stray comments are bottled and stored. Yet i fear that some may be broken by chance or the swing of my hand.

The Great War

Kill me... I have fought the last battle of an endless war. The cry of the horses and shrieks of the children have tortured my soul for an eternity... immortality is a curse for the sights I have seen. Rivers of blood have run through valleys and through my eyes. Kill me... And set me free.

Leonardo's Flicker

My books, my books get me my books... Notes, Notes, what have you done with my notes? And the burning star flew in the mid summer sky. Percival, David what have you done with my shield? Sword in hand and no defense upon my other? Do you take your master to be invincible. Forget not my works of knowledge, they are my future. David do not forget the hammer and the anvil. The forge and your hands will create your sanctuary, if you forget I will smyth thee with my wrath. Percival the church and the sword shall protect thee and save they soul. If you forget not I, but the lord shall bring on your back his vengeance like a whip to an ass. Why, why have I been forsaken by life itself? My entrails are queezy. Dear god my fingers go cold. A quill in my left and my madness in the other. I shall feed the earth with my blood and bones. And in the end none of me shall continue on except my knowledge for the madness i have been blessed with... I shall sleep... the queasiness has subsided...

Catching a break

Why is it that catching a break in life is always fleeting? Its a give and take with no winners in the end. Getting diagnosed with a disease (negative) its not fatal (positive), need a transplant (negative), get the transplant and everything is going OK (positive), things start to not go exactly as planed (negative). Life is simply a game and no matter what you are only as good as your last outcome. If it is 7 times down and 6 times up then your only option is to get that single up because the alternative is nothing, a loss that will never be made right or continued.

Does it say stupid on my head

Does it say stupid on my head? One thing is for surtine in this world and that is ignorance is bliss. Even knowing this I choose to know, I choose to have the knowledge to better my self and better all those around me. She talk to me yesterday about being stupid because I want to travel. "Get better then travel." What is the point of telling me this. I have read as much as I can I do not let things which can be in my control to not be. I have known every step of the way what needs to be done and what is expected of me along with how my life will be. I accept my fate to be unwritten and I have learned and accepted the most precious thing to me now which is my mortality. I will die one day as all people eventually do. I will stop breathing, living, thinking, and being. What ever comes after that I accept and in some way look forward to. I want to live, I want to experience as much as I can and do the normal things. I won't give up (even if I want to some times) and I wont let life get the best of me. I am not stupid and I take nothing lightly. I know what I must do to live and above all I take nothing for granted, why does she belittle me and believe that I do not understand what I do.

Short stay

So she's back in LA for the weekend for her mom's birthday. If I suspected she would even for a second see me I would be ecstatic... I did ask if she wanted to get some coffee but the answer as usual was ... ( I can't even remember because bullshit only works so much). She was stuck in traffic so we chatted for a while with her complaining about how she would never live her again and I indulged her because its her way of distancing her self from whats going on with her family. I can't blame her because I would have left home too when my parents split, but I stayed for my grandparents (and I have never regretted that decision). She got away because she could, but I think my path was difficult for me let alone my brother. I still feel bad that my older brother could never cope with our parents split the way I did, but what can I say the way I coped with there split was brutal and in humane and yet I did it to my self, I did it to my soul and I never regret it. I have very little of my heart left because most of it I gave to her and she chooses to waste it and let it die away (so be it). The little bit that is left serves very little. The only other rational, and intelligent person I know and she had to be a beautiful girl who I would fall head over ass for. Her flight back is on Monday and then it will be what it was, just a jumble of thoughts, emotions, wants, needs, greed, and heart ache. A man who was a charlatan once said my kidney problems were because of love... how cruel life would be if that stupid man was correct.

The operation and the bird cage

To explain the name of the blog "Isolation Mask" I have to tell the back story of my current conundrum. In October of '06 I went to the school medical department because I had not been able to sleep in two day suffering from chest pains. Poke me, stick me, take my pee the doctor tells me that I have kidney failure (BP 192/112 and creatinin of 5.5). My family doctor confirms it the next day and I'm stuck in a hospital for 4 days. Finally my blood pressure under control, they take a kidney biopsy (drink a lot of water immediately before a biopsy to pee out the blood clot or you will feel pain like nothing else). So I'm out of the hospital taking 80 mg of Prednisone (steroid ) which is almost a poison. No reaction at all which isn't a good sign. biopsy comes back and it confirms what was suspected IgA Nephropathy. Which in fact is not a problem with kidneys at all but an immune problem (Immuno globual A) Nephropathy just means killing cells. (First realization of my mortality at age 23) I play yo-yo with my blood pressure for 3 full months with the medication I'm taking (its like checkers, and very easy to control, just one thing is that if I loose a game I die. (Second realization of my mortality) On January 10 of '07 I get a LRD transplant (living related donner) from my mom. I spend two days in ICU and have a great time either talking to people (saying the exact same stuff), watching the clock tick, or sleeping. Another 4 days in a regular room where liquid is just pumped into me constantly and I have a colostomy bag for urine and after its removal realize that anything other then urine in the bladder will cause excruciating pain, even air. The staples run from my left side to about an inch bellow my belly button. (First realization of a different life) So finally out of the hospital I will have to take medication for the rest of my unnatural life because at this point modern medicine can allow an organ transplant but not prevent rejection with out immune suppressants. so I take about 11 pills in the morning and night. (I form my third realization of my mortality at this point) I'm stuck at home until my curfew is over because I can't get sick.

The Chocolate Feasco

A friend of mine lives in DC now. She moved there to attend school and work as an intern for the government. For years I bug her about giving me pictures and now she starts sending them. She has been feeling a little down these last few days. Shes sick, tired, and lonely. Well sick and tired are things that can be fixed. The lonely part i guess is the worst part. I love her, she loves another guy (the story of my life) the other guy doesn't want her... So I convinced her to give me her address so I can send her some "pity chocolate" as we decided to call it.