Catching a break

Why is it that catching a break in life is always fleeting? Its a give and take with no winners in the end. Getting diagnosed with a disease (negative) its not fatal (positive), need a transplant (negative), get the transplant and everything is going OK (positive), things start to not go exactly as planed (negative). Life is simply a game and no matter what you are only as good as your last outcome. If it is 7 times down and 6 times up then your only option is to get that single up because the alternative is nothing, a loss that will never be made right or continued.

Does it say stupid on my head

Does it say stupid on my head? One thing is for surtine in this world and that is ignorance is bliss. Even knowing this I choose to know, I choose to have the knowledge to better my self and better all those around me. She talk to me yesterday about being stupid because I want to travel. "Get better then travel." What is the point of telling me this. I have read as much as I can I do not let things which can be in my control to not be. I have known every step of the way what needs to be done and what is expected of me along with how my life will be. I accept my fate to be unwritten and I have learned and accepted the most precious thing to me now which is my mortality. I will die one day as all people eventually do. I will stop breathing, living, thinking, and being. What ever comes after that I accept and in some way look forward to. I want to live, I want to experience as much as I can and do the normal things. I won't give up (even if I want to some times) and I wont let life get the best of me. I am not stupid and I take nothing lightly. I know what I must do to live and above all I take nothing for granted, why does she belittle me and believe that I do not understand what I do.

Short stay

So she's back in LA for the weekend for her mom's birthday. If I suspected she would even for a second see me I would be ecstatic... I did ask if she wanted to get some coffee but the answer as usual was ... ( I can't even remember because bullshit only works so much). She was stuck in traffic so we chatted for a while with her complaining about how she would never live her again and I indulged her because its her way of distancing her self from whats going on with her family. I can't blame her because I would have left home too when my parents split, but I stayed for my grandparents (and I have never regretted that decision). She got away because she could, but I think my path was difficult for me let alone my brother. I still feel bad that my older brother could never cope with our parents split the way I did, but what can I say the way I coped with there split was brutal and in humane and yet I did it to my self, I did it to my soul and I never regret it. I have very little of my heart left because most of it I gave to her and she chooses to waste it and let it die away (so be it). The little bit that is left serves very little. The only other rational, and intelligent person I know and she had to be a beautiful girl who I would fall head over ass for. Her flight back is on Monday and then it will be what it was, just a jumble of thoughts, emotions, wants, needs, greed, and heart ache. A man who was a charlatan once said my kidney problems were because of love... how cruel life would be if that stupid man was correct.

The operation and the bird cage

To explain the name of the blog "Isolation Mask" I have to tell the back story of my current conundrum. In October of '06 I went to the school medical department because I had not been able to sleep in two day suffering from chest pains. Poke me, stick me, take my pee the doctor tells me that I have kidney failure (BP 192/112 and creatinin of 5.5). My family doctor confirms it the next day and I'm stuck in a hospital for 4 days. Finally my blood pressure under control, they take a kidney biopsy (drink a lot of water immediately before a biopsy to pee out the blood clot or you will feel pain like nothing else). So I'm out of the hospital taking 80 mg of Prednisone (steroid ) which is almost a poison. No reaction at all which isn't a good sign. biopsy comes back and it confirms what was suspected IgA Nephropathy. Which in fact is not a problem with kidneys at all but an immune problem (Immuno globual A) Nephropathy just means killing cells. (First realization of my mortality at age 23) I play yo-yo with my blood pressure for 3 full months with the medication I'm taking (its like checkers, and very easy to control, just one thing is that if I loose a game I die. (Second realization of my mortality) On January 10 of '07 I get a LRD transplant (living related donner) from my mom. I spend two days in ICU and have a great time either talking to people (saying the exact same stuff), watching the clock tick, or sleeping. Another 4 days in a regular room where liquid is just pumped into me constantly and I have a colostomy bag for urine and after its removal realize that anything other then urine in the bladder will cause excruciating pain, even air. The staples run from my left side to about an inch bellow my belly button. (First realization of a different life) So finally out of the hospital I will have to take medication for the rest of my unnatural life because at this point modern medicine can allow an organ transplant but not prevent rejection with out immune suppressants. so I take about 11 pills in the morning and night. (I form my third realization of my mortality at this point) I'm stuck at home until my curfew is over because I can't get sick.

The Chocolate Feasco

A friend of mine lives in DC now. She moved there to attend school and work as an intern for the government. For years I bug her about giving me pictures and now she starts sending them. She has been feeling a little down these last few days. Shes sick, tired, and lonely. Well sick and tired are things that can be fixed. The lonely part i guess is the worst part. I love her, she loves another guy (the story of my life) the other guy doesn't want her... So I convinced her to give me her address so I can send her some "pity chocolate" as we decided to call it.